Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection
Kulula Airlines of South Africa

Kulula  is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't  take itself too seriously.
Check out their new livery! 
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Kulula  is an Airline with head office situated in  Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an  effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture"  and announcements a bit more entertaining.   Here  are some real examples that have been  heard.
On a Kulula flight,  (there is no assigned seating, you just sit  where you want) passengers were apparently  having a hard time choosing, when a flight  attendant announced, "People, people we're not  picking out furniture here, find a seat and get  in  it!"
On  another flight with a very "senior" flight  attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and  gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and  will be turning down the cabin lights. This is  for your comfort and to enhance the appearance  of your flight  attendants."
On  landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to  take all of your belongings.. If you're going to  leave anything, please make sure it's something  we'd like to  have."
"There  may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there  are only 4 ways out of this airplane."  
"Thank  you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed  giving us the business as much as we enjoyed  taking you for a  ride."
As  the plane landed and was coming to a stop at  Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the  loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"
After  a particularly rough landing during  thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant  on a flight announced, "Please take care when  opening the overhead compartments because, after  a landing like that, sure as hell everything has  shifted."
From  a Kulula employee:  "Welcome  aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate  your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the  buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every  other seat belt; and if you don't know how to  operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in  public  unsupervised."
"In  the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,  masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop  screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your  face. If you have a small child travelling with  you, secure your mask before assisting with  theirs. If you are travelling with more than one  small child, pick your  favorite."
"Weather  at our destination is 50 degrees with some  broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed  before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,  nobody loves you, or your money, more than  Kulula  Airlines."
  As  you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of  your belongings. Anything left behind will be  distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or  spouses.."
And  from the pilot during his welcome  message: "Kulula Airlines is  pleased to announce that we have some of the  best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them are on this  flight!"
Heard  on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in  Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the  intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I  know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell  you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the  pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's  fault, it was the  asphalt."
Overheard  on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a  particularly windy and bumpy day: During the  final approach, the Captain really had to fight  it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight  Attendant said, "Ladies and  Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please  remain in your seats with your seat belts  fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of  our airplane to the  gate!"
Another  flight attendant's comment on a less than  perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain  seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the  terminal."
An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular  flight he had hammered his ship into the runway  really hard. The airline had a policy which  required the first officer to stand at the door  while the passengers exited, smile, and give  them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard  time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking  that someone would have a smart comment. Finally  everyone had gotten off except for a little old  lady walking with a cane. She  said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask  you a question?" "Why, no  Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"   The little old lady  said, "Did we land, or were we  shot  down?"
After  a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg ,  the attendant came on  with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,  please remain in your seats until Captain Crash  and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a  screeching halt against the gate. And, once the  tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are  silenced, we will open the door and you can pick  your way through the wreckage to the  terminal.."
Part  of a flight attendant's arrival  announcement: "We'd like to  thank you folks for flying with us today.. And,  the next time you get the insane urge to go  blasting through the skies in a pressurized  metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula  Airways."
and  lastly, heard on a Kulula  flight: "Ladies and gentlemen,  if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on  this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light  'em, you can smoke  'em."