Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection
Broken sculpture


Sayings to Live By...

1.. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2.. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3.. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4.. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5.. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6.. Do I look like a freaking people person?
7.. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8.. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9.. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10.. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
11.. You! Off my planet!
12.. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
13.. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts ofself-control.
14.. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
15.. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
16.. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
17.. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
18.. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
19.. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
20.. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21.. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22.. And just how may I screw you over today?
23.. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24.. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
25.. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
26.. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
27.. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
28.. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
29.. Allow me to introduce my selves.
30.. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
31.. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
32.. Better living through denial.
33.. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
34.. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
35.. Adult child of alien invaders.
36.. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
37.. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
38.. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
39.. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
40.. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you aren't asleep yet.
43.. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
44.. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
45.. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
46.. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
47.. Adults are just kids who owe money.
48.. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
49.. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
50.. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
51.. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
52.. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
53.. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
54.. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
55.. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
56.. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
57.. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
58.. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
59.. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
60.. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
61.. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
62.. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
63.. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
64.. Earth is full. Go home.
65.. Is it time for your medication or mine?
66.. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67.. I plead contemporary insanity.
68.. And which dwarf are you?
69.. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70.. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
71.. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72.. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
73.. Meandering to a different drummer.
74.. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
75.. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?