Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection
Owning a Canadian, Amongst Other Fallacies

 
On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
 Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
 
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a U.S.
 man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
 
Dear Dr. Laura:
 
 Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
 have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
 knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
 the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
 Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of
 debate.
 
 I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
 elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
 
 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
 female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
 claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
 Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
 
 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
 Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
 price for her?
 
 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
 her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
 The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women
 take offense.
 
 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates
 a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
 They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
 
 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
 Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police
 to do it?
 
 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
 abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
 I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
 
 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
 have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
 Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
 
 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
 around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
 19:27. How should they die?
 
 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
 me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
 
 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
 different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
 garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
 He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary
 that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to
 stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
 Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like
 we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
 
 I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
 considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can
 help.
 
 Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
 unchanging.
 
 Your adoring fan,
 
 James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
 Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia