"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said......."Implants?'"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section n a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."