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As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors
out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass
themselves
off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note
their reaction:
"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at
the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to
the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted
everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave
me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields
and a tuque
at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything,
calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except,
"Sorry, EH!"
If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us.
If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not
a
real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.
The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms.
In order:
- pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government
for not working.
- mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the
other
hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name,
is still a Canadianism through and through.)
- C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey
stick," another kind of Canadian Club.
- beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.
- skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers,
(Snow-Mobiles)
- muskeg: Boggy swampland.
- duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of
inhabitants
- each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time
managing
to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's french and English.
- deke: found in the dictionary as a "skillful misdirection." As a
noun,
it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda
deke!"
Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing
misdirection and guile."
- chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and
onto
the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton,
much to the pleasure of Calgarians.
- Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart.
Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)
- snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner;
non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)
- ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its
inconspicuousness.
- impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an
adjective
(the alternative adjectival from of "impaired" being "pissed to the
gills").
* S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
- Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton
ones
with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front
and
back!
- tuque
: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same
suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields
- chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly
looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder."
(See WesternCanada) shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or
provocateur.
According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford
Dictionary,
"shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that
Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do
fine.)
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