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Bill Gates
Buys God |
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Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.
The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would
be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from
God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions
division. "Microsoft wants to make divinity more accessible, this product with its
easy, intuitive user interface will make God not only easier to find, but easier to
communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add on
products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades. This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer
files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft
Internet Information Server, providing access to the sacred over the World Wide Web using
a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including
Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be transmitted
via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow
worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel
technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer
Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its
internal Vice Database. After one establishes a personal relationship with it, the product
will erase these files from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure
communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of special products for the new
Religions line, to facilitate niche marketing of Microsoft God These products will include
denomination interfaces based on the standard religious subdivisions, allowing worshippers
to interact with the God product in accordance with their customs. First to be introduced
will be Microsoft God for Protestantism, Microsoft God for Catholicism, Microsoft God for
Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Religious liberals are advised to pass on this product. Apple is planning to release a
competing product, Claris Gaia, which will be based on a more relational mode of
interaction, have multi-tasking capabilities and will expect the user to customize the
interface based on their own unique spiritual style.
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I believe the author of the original version of this is:
Steve Mendes ~ Small World Software
171 West 85th St. ~ New York, NY 10024
tel: 212.501.9800 ~ fax: 212. 501.9816
steve@smallworld.com
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